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QUESTION

: I am a 28 year old female from big city in India. I am soon to be married to my fiance, whos 30 years old. I am having the problem of I want sex all the time. He on the other hand does not desire it like I do. I have tried everything to try to boost his sex drive, but it seems nothing works. What do I need to do? Is it me? Or is something wrong with him? Please help this has been a major problem in our relationship.

REPLY

When a woman initiates sexual activity, the man is put on challenge. When there appears a command/demand his mind starts doubting, “Will I be able to satisfy her?”
“Will I be able to sexually satisfy her?” is a highly prevalent doubt entertained by normal men. He has to perform. Performance anxiety, like pressure before exams mounts inadvertently and even a normal male can be put off. Better to be away than risk failure.

The above is actually what goes on in the male mind.
I am letting you read the male mind. Unlike popular belief, they have insecurity of being macho. “If I prove inadequate then. . . .?” This thought puts a man on high tension. The thought is calamitous for ‘male’ psyche.

Non committed sexual relation

What about boys/men who ogle at girls as though given mere chance they will bed them? The common impression is given a chance a male will like to have sex with any woman. Here there is flirting/befikir, maja karenge, non committal attitude, chance mar lete hai. Yes, the guy is thirsting for sex.

When engaged to marry self doubt surfaces. Sex becomes a performance to prove one’s manliness. ‘How well can I sexually satisfy my partner?’ becomes a haunting concern. When a guy begins to measure, the focus on pleasure is lost, consequently he shirks from sex.

When it is a committed relation

the doubt of whether he will be able to satisfy creeps in. His image of ‘manliness’ is at stake. The knowledge most men have about sex is through XXX films. These depict unrealistic sizes, timings, poses. This being the only reference manual ‘male’ has secret doubt about his sexual performance. Unrealistic expectations from one self are generated, which dampen a ‘normal’ person’s spirit. Friends who brag (make false claims about how well they sexually perform) further puts him off.

Women too carry unrealistic expectations of sex, because the misinformation they gather. Do you remember your parents talking and teaching you about sex? Did you study the subject of ‘sex’ as you studied ‘history’, ‘geography’, ‘maths’, in school? This is to emphasize that most people have misinformation, that causes unrealistic expectations either from oneself or the partner, this is the root of most sexual problems in the to be married or just married couple.

If the girl has had secret romantic sexual relations, this cannot be compared with sex in committed relations as before or just after marriage, especially when it is arranged marriage. Both are different genre. Getting exotic sex in married relation is different topic and needs special instructions.

“…. I have tried everything to try to boost his sex drive,…”

This is the deadly mistake woman makes.
Sex cannot be coerced. Men are put off by female dominant / female demanding mode of sex.

Definitions of coerced on the Web:

1. * Coercion (co-er-shion) is the practice of compelling a person or manipulating them to behave in an involuntary way (whether through action or …
   en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coerced
2. * coerce – to cause to do through pressure or necessity, by physical, moral or intellectual means :”She forced him to take a job in the city”; “He squeezed …
   wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
3. * coercion - the act of compelling by force of authority
   wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
4. * coercive – serving or intended to coerce; “authority is directional instead of coercive”
   wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
5. * coercion – compulsion: using force to cause something to occur; “though pressed into rugby under compulsion I began to enjoy the game”; “they didn’t have to use coercion”
   wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

The last definition differentiates directional from coercive.

Is it me?

This is attitudinal put off that happens because of a demanding female partner.

I want sex all the time.

This is not true since before meeting him you wouldn’t have said “I want sex all the time”.

I guess what you mean is your attention is now focused on having sex because you have lurking doubts about sexual aspect of your relationship. You too have certain belief about how sizzling sex should be when a boy and a girl are going to get married and have all the chance.

Men psychologically wish to be one-up than women.

Example:

He may not have had difficulty if the girl was too shy and almost not allowing sex.

Here, he would have taken the dominant role and would be doing just fine. It is the same male I am talking about in two different scenario. This is elaborate detail of psychology of sex in male and what puts him off and what turns him on.

Or is something wrong with him?

There are only two possibilities if something was to be wrong with him.

One,

he is gay or bisexual. In that case he would not have volunteered to marry. The marriage is forced on him by family and he cannot delay it any further. He has no choice.

Second,

is he has imaginary notion that he has a sex problem or fears that he may not be able to rise to the occasion.

The first one can be detected.

The second one can be definitely treated.

By now he is pissed about your attitude and keeps saying, “Do you only think of sex?” You will also find him giving various excuses to avoid sex. He is feeling threatened in sex zone by your attitude. Remember that most guys do not have experience of sex, which therefore puts them in a difficult position as it is. Common misconception that ‘guys know all about sex’, ‘they just crave for it’, ‘guys may have had sex earlier’, are not in really true most of the time. Yet, when married, these guys do sex well in a non threatening situation and the more macho they are made to feel the more aroused they become.

If you try to catch a butterfly it flies away. You be a quiet tempting fragrant flower and the butterfly lands on you.

In conclusion

my experience tells that you both need to meet a counselor. That will definitely prove beneficial.

When you say, “Lets go to a counselor,” if your saying implies that he, the guy, needs counselor, he is not going to go to a counselor. If he is tricked into thinking that you, the girl, needs to go to a counselor and he is requested to accompany you because you are too shy, then he may jolly well go to the counselor with you. Otherwise suggesting a visit to a counselor is like saying you are not man enough. It is worse than all bad words put together and definite formula to ruin marriage relations.

Are you beginning to see, how sensitive the ‘sex’ topic is for the guy and the folly of all your past efforts at pushing him for sex?

Please let me know if you have any additional questions or issues.
Best regards,
Dr. Ashok Koparday MBBS FCSEPI
Consultant PsychoSexual Medicine
Medical Director

Samadhan India
Center for Therapy, Education, Research in
Sex, Marriage, Relationships

Ex. Teaching Faculty
Seth G. S. Medical College and K. E. M. Hospital and
Grant Medical College and Sir J. J. Group of Hospitals
University of Mumbai, India

Member: Indian Medical Association
Accreditation:Maharashtra Medical Council Registration
Member: Family Planning Association of India

Fellow: Council of Sex Education and Parenthood [International]

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