question about FIRST SEX by a girl

Hi Doctor,

I am 25 year old girl and married for last 1 and half yr. I want to ask a query regarding my sexual relationship with my husband.
Since the time we are married, we tried doing the intercourse, but everytime it failed.

I am very much afraid of intercourse, as soon as he comes close and is about to insert i get tensed and tightened my legs, which pushes him back.

That makes him loose his temper and stops talking with me for sometime..

This fear could be one of the reason, we don’t try the intercourse regularly….hardly once or twice a month…
I have a fear that it would bleed badly…and hence i do not allow him to closer to me..

kindly advise how do i overcome this fear..since we are planning to have a baby by next year.

Thanks and Regards,
Mrs. xxx

DOCTOR’S NOTE

MYTH
There is pain initially. Pain subsides later on. There is often bleeding during first sex.

The above is ALL the knowledge about sex that 90.8% girls (who have not had premarital sex) have before marriage.
FACT
A girl need not at all have pain during first sexual intercourse. Sex is related to joy (anand) .

WHY IS THERE PAIN BLEEDING DURING FIRST SEXUAL INTERCOURSE?

It is this fear of pain that causes spasm of the pubococcygeus muscles that surround the vaginal opening. Thus the vaginal opening is not open like a round hollow space O. The vaginal opening gets clamped tight as a reflex action in anticipation of pain. It is like you shutting your mouth tight. If someone were to force feed you, the lips will pain and may bleed too.

When the penis is thrusted forcefully it leads to pain and bleeding. This experience is totally avoidable with proper general knowledge about sex, especially first sexual intercourse.

WORLD’S FREE HELPLINE FOR SEXUAL PROBLEMS.

http://mydoctortells.com and http://doctortells.blogspot.com
are not for profit enterprise of the Education wing of
SAMADHAN INDIA: Center for Therapy, Education, Research in Sex, Marriage, Relationships

Your question:
http://mydoctortells.jivisha.com/

i m jst 23 yrs. i m a virgin, i think i have a sex problem, coz whenever i try to attempt sex with my partner, my pennis dont support me. i think i m facing this problem bcoz of so much
masterbating. wht is the solution doctor. plz help me coz i m getting marry in this year.
Posted by : jagdish, 2 day(s) ago
Monday, March 2, 2010

Doctor’s Expert Medical Opinion (FREE):
Hi Jagdish,
(Name changed)

Inability to insert penis in vagina during sexual intercourse is called unconsummated (unconsummated) sex.
CAUSES
1
“ i m jst 23 yrs. i m a virgin, _ _ _ _”Not knowing how to do is foremost cause of penis not going in vagina during sex. I like the word you have used ‘virgin’. You have reason to be glad that this experience is a certificate that you both are virgin. What better proof can you have?
2
“ _ _ _ problem bcoz of so much masterbating _ _ _”

Write this permanently on your brain,

“MASTURBATION DOES NOT CAUSE ANY HARMFUL EFFECT EVEN IF YOU HAVE DONE IN EXCESS AND BEGUN EARLY IN AGE.

MASTURBATION IS BENEFICIAL FOR HEALTH AND USEFUL SEXUAL OUTLET. MASTURBATION IS THE ONLY METHOD THAT IS 100% SAFE SEX.”

3
Not being able to insert penis (dick) in vagina (cunt) during sexual intercourse (fucking) makes any male nervous and diffident. When further attempts result in the same disappointing experience (“I am not able to fuck her.”) the male develops difficulty in erection, erection not strong as before, premature ejaculation. This is another reason why penis vagina sex does not happen.
DOCTOR, HOW COMMON IS THIS CONDITION?
Not being able to insert penis in vagina during sex is not uncommon.
More than 50% couples going for honeymoon are not able to insert penis in vagina during sexual intercourse. They do and should enjoy foreplay though.
WHAT IS THE TREATMENT?
“ _ _ _ _ _. wht is the solution doctor. plz help me coz i m getting marry in this year.”

I begin with SEX JOY THERAPY step 1For you too, I strongly recommend this part of the first step: not to even attempt insertion of penis in vagina. This is so because you are going to fail insertion and each time you try you will be more nervous and secondary problems related to erection, discharge invariably set in.
SOLUTION: Do not attempt insertion until you get proper guidance from experienced Marriage Counselor/Sex Therapist. This is what you require to regain confidence before marriage.

You will have healthy fantastically exciting sexual intercourse because this problem can DEFINITELY BE SOLVED.
REFERENCES that will be useful for you:
Look at my reply to the question

http://www.ammas.com/uploadedfiles/18563419138837_FIRST-SEX-mydoctortells.com.html

12/19/09
(6 days to closing) First time sex can you advice for male
i dont know how to have sex with my girlfriend. so please help me to know the procedure to have sex with her. how to start and what to do ,how to do. please help me.
– gala, india

Submitted to: Sexual Health category on: Ammas.com

I do not want to respond to this query.
Know someone who can answer this? Earn AA$ for their answer! And they earn AA$ too!

If you have any further doubts you can
use

WORLD’S FREE HELPLINE FOR SEXUAL PROBLEMS.

http://mydoctortells.com and http://doctortells.blogspot.com

WORLD’S FREE HELPLINE FOR SEX PROBLEMS

are founded by the Education wing of
SAMADHAN INDIA: Center for Therapy, Education, Research in Sex, Marriage, Relationships

WORLD’S FREE HELPLINE FOR SEXUAL PROBLEMS.

http://mydoctortells.com and http://doctortells.blogspot.com
are not for profit enterprise of the Education wing of
SAMADHAN INDIA: Center for Therapy, Education, Research in Sex, Marriage, Relationships

Dr. Ashok Koparday

IMPORTANT

This third chapter of the basics of WHAT TO DO on suhagraat, (सुहागरात) is perhaps the most important and my doctor tells a reason that is the simplest of all.

MY DOCTOR TELLS definition of Good Girl
A good girl is supposed to be the girl who does not speak about sex, does not watch those kinds of things, does not touch or explore her own sexual organs.

WHAT I MEAN BY SUHAGRAT सुहागरात OR FIRST SEX?

By suhagraat, सुहागरात I mean not only the first night of wedding, but also the first few weeks.
By suhagraat, I mean not only wedding, but I mean first sex or first few making outs before first sexual intercourse in a relationship that is committed, married or otherwise.

MY DOCTOR TELLS THE

REASON

How can a girl who has never stood naked with all her clothes off in her own home in front of a mirror be comfortable with the idea of sleeping (sexual act is way beyond) naked on the first day of the marriage सुहागरात with a person whom she knows just for a short period?

SEX IS A FOUR LETTER WORD, LOVE.

SOCIO CULTURAL MEANING

WHO IS ‘GOOD GIRL’?

Even today (‘Today’ as used here is not just the time of my writing this. This ‘today’ is going to be ‘today’, whichever decade you are reading this.) socio-cultural norms in Asian Indians define a good girl as chaste^[2], not talking, asking, and doing anything about the three-letter word ‘sex’. A good girl is supposed to be the girl who does not speak about sex, does not watch those kinds of things, does not touch or explore her own sexual organs.

THINK OF HER PLIGHT

Can you imagine the magnitude of her plight on suhagraat सुहागरात?
You cannot imagine if you are a guy. The Good Girls, however, will accede to this.

FIRST IMPRESSION
Most likely, you are dating or engaged to such a Good Girl. So bear in mind: When you are gentle and not pouncing on her as an animal (She remembers the rape scene) for sex, she will respect you more. This would be your first impression. The boy is kind, considerate and does not force himself on the girl, but gives time for more intimacy and her willingness before he indulges in insertion.

MY DOCTOR TELLS HAVE SEX. NO SEX
DOCTOR DOES NOT MEAN ‘NO SEX’.
MY DOCTOR TELLS

DEFINITION OF SEX

I am not saying, “Do not have sex”. Sex is not just peno-vaginal insertion.
Sex, is a four letter word, LOVE.
Love includes trust, time, talk; touch . . . ^[1] insertion is far away, unless you are with a prostitute.

MAKING OUT . MAKING LOVE . FOREPLAY
Have foreplay as much as you wish as many days/weeks as you wish, literally to your heart’s content, but refrain from insertion of penis, the sexual intercourse till she is okay with it.

Note
VIRGIN ^[2]
Virgin girl may not be chaste.
Chaste girl may not be virgin.

Acknowledgement
1
The T’s of love 1. Trust 2. Time 3. Talk 4. Touch are derived from Dr. Mahinder Watsa’s talk.
2
Dr. Prakash Kothari’s famous definition and distinction of VIRGINITY

First sex

One important reason not to hasten insertion of penis in vagina (sexual intercourse) is that the vaginal opening gets clamped and closed due to natural fear of initial experience in the newly wed.
This phenomenon, where subconsciously the muscles around vagina (pubococcygeous muscles) contract due to which the vaginal passage opening get closed is called vaginismus. It is not uncommon and is one of the main reasons of panic in the newly wed groom.

This inability to insert penis in vagina is not uncommon in the newly wed. Over 50% of couples who go for honey moon return without having had sexual intercourse. This situation is called unconsummated marriage.

MYDOCTORTELLS

What are the reasons of unconsummated marriage?
How to ascertain vaginismus is the cause of unconsummation without going to a doctor?
What is the treatment for vaginismus?
What can be done to be able to insert penis in vagina without having to go to a doctor?
How to be sure that the unconsummation is not because of erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation?
Does excessive masturbation cause this problem?
Is unconsummation due to male sexual problem or due to female sexual problem?
Click here

FIRST NIGHT AFTER WEDDING

SUHAGRAT
सुहागरात
The first night after the wedding is supposed to be a very special night for the bride and the groom. The popular hindi cinema in India shows a bedroom with a bed having four props on its four edges. Garlands and flowers held on the props lavishly decorate the bed. The bride coyly brings a glass of sweet milk flavored and enriched with dry fruits. The film hero who is reclining on the bed looks amorously at his shy wife and grips her hand. He pulls her close to him. The wife bashfully sits near him and as he tries to bring her closer to him the romantic atmosphere mounts. Then the censors step in.

MY DOCTOR TELLS:
It is best to avoid sexual intercourse on the first few days/nights of wedding ceremony. Instead hug each other and go to sleep.
OR
Talk, indulge in sexual foreplay, but do not attempt insertion of penis in vagina.
Why? There are many reasons why the insertion will not happen in the hectic tiring wedding ceremony. To know read ahead . . .

WHAT TO DO – WRONG BELIEF

FIRST NIGHT SUHAGRAT

सुहागरात
Many a fresh husbands have similar bed enthusiastically garlanded by friends for their very first night. He believes that this being the night he has to do sexual intercourse. Not doing so would be abnormal and the bride would look down upon him. What a first impression? Also, he doesn’t want to be ridiculed by his friends/relatives for failing on his first night. In some Arab countries relatives wait outside expecting to be shown bloodstained cloth, which is considered, proof of the girl’s virginity. Bleeding during the first sexual act is considered natural by many people world over.

WHAT TO DO – MY DOCTOR TELLS

FIRST NIGHT SUHAGRAT

सुहागरात
So the marriage and sexual health experts’ advice that on the first night since the couple is most likely to be tired after the grueling wedding ceremony it is best to avoid sexual intercourse and instead hug each other and go to sleep in order to wake up refreshed for the next day. You have an entire lifetime for sex. Not heeding this sane simple advice if the hero goes ahead for sexual intercourse it is most likely going to result in sexual experience which is less than satisfactory in many ways; sometimes even leading to a sour, disappointing experience.

MY DOCTOR TELLS: WHY

In the traditional Indian marriages the boy and the girl sleep late, way past midnight, yet have to wake up early in the morning. Not only the previous days but the entire wedding day as well is very tiring for the groom and the bride. They have to force smiles on their faces as they go through the motion of greeting individually friends and relatives who are lined in a queue waiting their turn to go on the podium where under the glaring lights of the cameraman they pose for the video shooting. By the end of the day, you bet, they are dead tired and would drop off to sleep like wooden logs. But at night in bed he labors under the pressure “I have to do sex on my first wedding night”. Commonsense tells how inappropriate is the demand on oneself for sexual activity when the couple is drained out and fatigued. Think.

DOCTOR’S PRIVATE ROOM

WHAT I HEAR: MALE CONCERNS

What will she think of me? Would she not be disappointed if I don’t do sexual intercourse? Doesn’t she crave for it? It’s not in sync with manliness. It isn’t macho. It is not the normal thing. Will I not be a laughing stock amidst friends and relatives? First Night comes only once in one’s lifetime. It’s special. Should you let go on such a unique occasion? Is it the right thing to do? These would be the typical doubts entertained by the ignorant.

MY DOCTOR TELLS

First, understand that the bride would not resent you but would in fact thank you and appreciate if you choose to abstain from sexual intercourse on the first night. You could even speak to her to find out if it’s acceptable to her if you call it a day and both take rest, keeping the sex thing for the next available opportunity so that it’s pleasant and thoroughly enjoyable for both.
Second thing is you are not obliged to tell outsiders what’s happened or not happened inside the bedroom. It’s your personal choice. It’s your private matter. And even if they know, don’t you worry, for your reasons are sound and sane.

Cool man. Cool.

On Fast Track
with
Dr. Ashok Koparday
सुहागरात सुहागरात सुहागरात सुहागरात सुहागरात

You will find the dictionary meaning of vaginismus titled, WHAT IS VAGINISMUS here –>
http://mydoctortells.com/vaginismus-meaning/

Below is synopsis of Medical Facts pertaining to vaginismus; directly coming from the clinical experience of Sex Therapist, Dr. Ashok Koparday, titled CONSEQUENCE OF VAGINISMUS.

Note that here the word vaginismus is often used in place of unconsummated marriage.

CONSEQUENCE OF VAGINISMUS
VAGINISMUS AND UNCONSUMMATED MARRIAGE/SEX
In unconsummated (unconsumated) marriage the couple is in distress because sexual intercourse with penis going in vagina has not yet happened.
CONSEQUENCES OF VAGINISMUS
Vaginismus leads to dyspareunia (pain during sexual intercourse) and unconsummated marriage/sex, meaning there is no insertion of penis in vagina during couples sex.

CONSEQUENCES OF VAGINISMUS, COUPLE, FAMILY
Newly wed couple keep the fact that they have not had sex (peno-vaginal insertion) secret.
When elders want to hear good news of pregnancy from the couple the convenient excuse is ‘family planning’ for one or the other reason.

IS MAN IMPOTENT?
Even though underlying cause of unconsummation is VAGINISMUS almost without exception the MALE blames himself.

To find the dictionary meaning of vaginismus click here WHAT IS VAGINISMUS?

CAUSE OF UNCONSUMMATION
WRONG BELIEF OF MEN
The guy believes he is sexually inadequate (impotent) and this myth screws up his life. This is because culturally throughout the world the idea is ‘the man fucks his wife.’ So, it is man who does sex.

WHY CAN HUSBAND NOT DO SEX (wrong belief)?
His energy for insertion of penis has been drained by past habit of frequent masturbation and loss of semen.
Most common mistaken belief of the guy hence the girl are unconsummation is because of erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. She says, his thing gets limp too soon.
Man believes he is sexually inadequate.

HOW VAGINISMUS AFFECTS MENS HEALTH?
Macho – manly – ego crashes and the guy shamefully suffers in silence. Vaginismus that causes inability to insert penis causes severe serious humiliation to men. Men often go in depression.

HOW WOMEN DEAL WITH VAGINISMUS?
In the newly wed couple almost without exception the wife gives her husband total emotional support. She does not confide the guy’s sex problem (so called impotence) to any one to spare him from disgrace. However, she too does not know that the unconsummation is or could be because of vaginismus.

WHY WOMAN IS NOT AT FAULT IN VAGINISMUS?

NOTE THAT THE WOMAN TOO IS NOT TO BE BLAMED FOR VAGINISMUS because by definition it is involuntary contraction of vaginal opening on attempting insertion.

There is inability of the penis to go in vagina even if female partner/wife is aroused and well lubricated, even if she is intellectually willing for insertion or prepared for pain.

HUSBAND WIFE RELATION -
FURTHER CONSEQUENCE
Wife goads husband to get medical help to resolve the problem, but it can take up to 2 years for the guy to summon courage to step in to the Sex Therapist’s Office. This too happens when wife gets vexed as she can no more bear his procrastination. Wife has to literally threaten her husband, “I am leaving home,” “I am leaving you,” “Let’s get divorced”, “I will disclose this matter to family/friends”. It is then that husband takes an appointment with the counselor.

HOW COMMON IS VAGINISMUS
It is not uncommon to find in newly wed that the couple has not had sexual intercourse/sex with insertion of penis in vagina. The single major cause for unconsummated marrriage/sex is vaginismus.
We get cases that come for therapy 6 hours, 6 days, even 6 years after marriage.

PHYSICAL EXAMINATION
I do not even have to touch the woman, leave apart, gynecological examination to get the diagnosis and give results.

INVESTIGATIONS
For diagnosis and successful management, I have never had to take recourse to blood test, 2 D Color Doppler Study, and other investigation modalities.

VAGINISMUS WHY (ASIAN) INDIAN DOCTORS HAVE TO BE EXTRA SKILLED, MORE EFFECTUAL
Indian Doctors specializing in Sex Therapy require MORE SPECIALIZATION
In India, Sex Therapist have to be extremely skillful as often the female partner never comes to the doctor’s office.
Hence, in India, Sex Therapist has to have more dexterity than their fellow Sex Therapists in US, Canada, UK and other European countries.

Dictionary Meanings Courtesy
THE FREE DICTIONARY

Below you will find the dictionary meanings [5] of vaginismus, titled WHAT IS VAGINISMUS,

WHAT IS VAGINISMUS
Muscles around the outer third of the vagina have involuntary spasms in response to attempts at vaginal penetration, not allowing for penetration[2]

[1]Mosby’s Medical Dictionary, 8th edition. © 2009, Elsevier
[2]
Gale Encyclopedia of Medicine. Copyright 2008 The Gale Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

[3]
Dorland’s Medical Dictionary for Health Consumers. © 2007 by Saunders, an imprint of Elsevier, Inc. All rights reserved

[4]
McGraw-Hill Concise Dictionary of Modern Medicine. © 2002 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

[5]

Dictionary Meanings Courtesy
THE FREE DICTIONARY

I’m 28 years marrried since 1 year. I have pain when husband tries to sexal intercourse. He becomes angry. I do not want to displease him. We are under pressuer to have a child. I too want pregnancy. I fear there will be bleeding and pain during sex.

I do not know what to do.
please guide.
Thakds
Mrs. zzzz. xxx

PAIN BLEEDING DURING FIRST SEX

MYTH

The information most women/girls have before they get married is that initially there may be pain during intercourse. There is often some bleeding. Later on there is no pain.
This is the information passed on by close relatives/friends. It is the general idea the girl has about sexual intercourse.

HOW MANY OF YOU AGREE THAT THERE IS PAIN AND OFTEN BLEEDING DURING SEX INITIALLY?
When a newly wed goes in the arms of her husband on the first night, imagine her state if she believes sex causes pain.
Pain generates fear.

Fear causes clamping of the vaginal opening. The vaginal opening is not OPEN lie a big O.
Vaginal opening is a closed potential space. As you close the fingers of your hand to make a fist potential space exists between the closed fingers. If you push finger of another hand in this closed fist the fist gives way and your inserted finger is held in the closed fist now.

This being the parallel that comes closest to the anatomy of vaginal passage and the muscles surrounding it, it is easy to appreciate that if a woman is informed that there is likely to be pain during sex, the muscles around the vaginal opening tighten. Just as the fist when tightened will not allow the finger of other hand to pass through it, so too the vaginal orifice is not open and does not allow passage of penis.

If penis is forced in such a closed, clamped vaginal passage there is bound to be pain and often bleeding due to tear of tissues.

When your relatives tell you that it does pain during sex it is because they have been told similarly and consequently insertion had happened with force, which has caused pain.

This closing of the vaginal opening due to tightening by protective reflex action of the peri-vaginal muscles, muscles around the vaginal opening (the pelvic floor muscles, pubo coccygeus muscles), is called vaginismus.

Note this is not done intentionally. It is subconscious contraction of muscles that leads to painful sex when penis is thrust in forcefully. Hence, conscious decision to relax the muscles does not work.

At first sex in a girl there may be
[1] pain (dyspareunia) if there is vaginismus, or there is
[2] no pain during insertion if there is no reflex spasm called vaginismus or there is
[3] no insertion of penis during sexual activity.

The third is not uncommon. It is called unconsummated (unconsumated) sex and the reason is vaginismus.

IS THERE A TREATMENT FOR VAGINISMUS?

There is a systematic treatment for vaginismus. Seek the help of EXPERT EXPERIENCED SEX THERAPIST.
Internal examination (Per Speculum and Per Vaginal Examination) by a Gynecologist is to be AVOIDED. Psycho Sexual Therapeutic Counseling brings best results if the couple is cooperative and committed.

KEYWORDS:

Fear of failure
Performance Anxiety
Premarital Anxiety
Premarriage Counseling

A large part of Premarital Anxiety is due to –>
Performance Anxiety, which is due to –>
Fear of failure.

HOW WILL YOU KNOW HE HAS PERFORMANCE ANXIETY?

He avoids, or rather keeps postponing his marriage with one pretext or the other. His excuses are unreasonable. His age is above 29. Due to force from parents, because he has no escape he consents to marry. Or else parents give up and stop asking him to marry, though they fervently wish he be married. He goes in his forties. If he meets a good Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, he is rescued. He becomes well and does marry. All are happy.

His romance, the love talk after engagement, before marriage with the fiancée is almost nil.

What if I am not able to do sex?
I am afraid I will not be able to satisfy her.
This fear is NOT UNCOMMON in men.

POSTPONE MARRIAGE

Some guys postpone marriage until they run out of excuses. Then they are gripped by fear, a foreboding of disaster on first night that can be extremely traumatic more so because he cannot share his problem with any one. Helpless, miserable person wears mask of ‘It’s all fine,” when he is frozen with fear. Prospect of FIRST SEX, or SUHAGRAT is worst than death. This is the way ‘To Be Married’ guys describe their problem.

PREVIOUS BAD SEXUAL EXPERIENCE

Previous sexual experience (premarital sex) where the erection was not satisfactory causes turmoil.

HER NEGATIVE COMMENTS DURING PREMARITAL SEX

If the female partner commented that you did it quickly or something like that which he perceives as sign of dissatisfaction he is doomed. This strengthens the fear of failure. The cognitive distortion operational is his over generalization from one or two sexual experiences. He does not take into account the fact that he is unaccustomed to doing frequent regular sex. Fortune teller error (= as though knowing that worst is going to happen), jumping to conclusion is another mistake that leads to PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.

The To Be Married guy is shaken up. It’s hell.

QUACKS DESTROY HIS CONFIDENCE ALTOGETHER

Such a person, it could be your friend, or son, invariably visits a doctor. Quacks do the ultimate damage. Quacks suck money, destroy person’s trust in medical profession and leave him dejected as he feels his condition is incurable. (because common person does not know the difference between quack and qualified doctor), fail in giving relief. The quacks put up advertisements every where, no action is taken against them.

GOOD OUTCOME

Intervention by Sex Therapist gives definite successful results.